It's All Coming Back...

Everything I thought I was rid of seems to haunt me again.  The fear of not being good enough.  Of not being wanted.

Why is it that I seem to be so unhappy?  Why can't I, for once, love myself just the way I am?

A Crumbled World

What is happening to the world?  This place I once thought was full of nothing but green grass, playtime with friends, and loving adults.

It's gone.  It's transformed. Into a place where the debt crisis is argued day and night, where bombings occur in countries that cannot defend themselves, where the rich are corrupt and the poor are suffering.*   Where war is common, where innocent people are murdered for seemingly justified reasons but in reality, there is no justified reason to take an innocent life.

This place I once thought was caring and safe.  Where even my own life was filled with nothing but joy and love.  With ice cream cones and goodnight kisses.  It's gone.

People change.  Competition wins.  The desire to be on top, to be the best, to hold all the power.  And it affects the rest of us.  Those of us who solely want to be happy day-by-day.  To love.  To revel in the joy that comes when surrounded by friends and family.  We struggle.

Because the world has transformed.  Gone are the days when you love your neighbor as yourself.  Gone are the days when we rely on the spirit and meaning of teachings, and not on the words themselves.  Gone are the days when we enjoin justice and forbid evil.

It's hard to love in a world such as this.  To love all, even those committing these atrocities against humanity.  But love is what this world needs, desperately.  Love, and empathy, and compassion.

Why is it not seen that we are all human beings.  We live with the same motivations, fears, and joys.  We just handle them differently.  I am no exception; I am no saint.  I should love this world I'm living in, for everything it is, and try to spread joy and happiness to everyone I meet.

And, upon reflection, I do love this world.  Do I wish some things were different?  Yes.  But I also believe that we, as humankind, are learning each and every day how to handle this world we're living in.  It gives me hope.

I still can't help, though, but to mourn the days of blissful ignorance I was in as a child.  Where love and compassion surrounded you everywhere.  Those days of butterflies, ice-creams, and green grass.



*Aside:  I know these are extremes - that not all rich are corrupt - but it seems to be the common trend.

Insomnia

Insomnia sucks.  Let's just throw that out there.  I don't think I know a single person who says "Oh, I'm glad I can't fall asleep at a normal hour and that I'm kept up much later than I should be."

But it gets worse.  When you can't sleep because your head keeps going 'round and 'round, in a downward spiral, thoughts becoming darker and more depressed with each layer, that is when you know you're not getting to sleep that night.  Your brain has other plans for you.

Rather than peacefully resting and recovering from a long day, it decides to go over all the decisions you've ever made in your life.  All the events you've lived through, all the experiences you've had, all the situations you've lived in.  And it criticizes them, and tears them apart into little tiny shreds until all you are left with is the question "Why?"

"Why me?  Why now?  Why this?  Why am I living this life?  Why did it happen to me?"

Then into the "What's":  "What did I do to deserve this?  What is the point of everything?  What is the meaning of life?"

And suddenly your brain goes "Ha!  You're not sleeping tonight!" ... for these questions have no answers.

Or if they do, they don't come to you at that moment.  Rather, you lie there, or sit there, wherever you may be , and feel despair and hopelessness wash over you.  You let your mind try to explore these questions, but as it does you sink deeper, darker, farther into the black depths of your mind, where there is no light.  Its a sad place to be, and a scary place to be.  Trust me, I want to be optimistic right now.  But when it feels as though the world is crashing down at your feet, how can you sleep, let alone be happy?

And so you lie there.  Feeling numb.  Your eyes wide open, staring into space.  Your brain whirring at a million miles a minute, trying to solve your life problems.  But answers don't come.  They can't come in this place; they'd have to crawl out of too dark a hole.  So rather than move forward, you stop.  Time stops.  Life stops.

I strive to be a good person.  I always thought I was nice, kind, caring, sympathetic, generous.  So why did this all happen to me?  Where is the good?  Why must I go through this trial?  Will nothing work out in my favor?  Can I not shape my life to what I want, to bring me happiness?

I thought I could.  I know I can inside my own head (but - again - those black depths are preventing it at this moment), but in actuality?  Can I live the life I want to live?

The rest of the world seems to be saying no.  So where do I go from here?  Give up in defeat?  Try to fight back?

All I know is that the first thing I need to do is lift myself from this hole.  And then sleep.  Allow glorious sleep to overtake me and let my subconscious take over the thinking, feeling, and figuring out of life for once.  But how?

How to lift myself from the downward spiral of depression and despair?  This is the first question I must ask myself.

Actually, the first one is probably "Why am I in this downward spiral of depression and despair?"  For once I find the cause, I can tackle my response and reaction.  And then maybe tackle the much larger and more important question of: "What is the meaning of life?"

Though I fear that may take a lifetime to find out...