Birthdays

I am officially another year older.  Only in terms of a label, though; time-wise I'm simply about 36 hours older than I was before... not another whole year.

People always ask, "Do you feel older?  Do you feel different?"  To this, I answer "No" and "Yes."  No, I don't feel older.  To feel older physically is all in one's head, and I choose to feel just as young as I did yesterday, last month, last year.  In terms of feeling different, I suppose that physically I feel no different than I did before, but mentally I do.  It's not due to my birthday and being a whole year older.  It's not as though maturity suddenly hit me, or I awoke on the morning of my birthday to find myself a changed and grown person.  No, it's rather that each day I'm free to shape my life as I want to live it.  So in that respect, yes, I do feel different today than I did yesterday or the day before.  As Michael Bublé so clearly states it, "It's a new dawn.  It's a new day.  It's a new life.  For me.  And I'm feeling good."

So while each day is new and different for me, for some reason my birthday seems extra special.  It's as though I can begin my New Year's Resolutions all over again.  While I know I can start them any day, and not just on my birthday, there's something about that "official" changing of age that gives me the opportunity to evaluate my life and alter that which I want to, to make myself a better person in my eyes.  And, being 21, my first change is to cease thinking of my "bettering myself" attempts as things that must be done on New Year's, on my birthday, on a Monday, etc.  Each day, each minute, I have the option and the ability to shape my life and myself, and I will remember this from here on out.

I had a very happy birthday and am already having a happy day-after-my-birthday, and shall continue to do so in the days to come!

*My* Life

Why does it seem to be that one cannot live the life they want to live?  Why must I live by others' rules?  By the "norm"?

What if I don't want to do what's "normal"?  Surely it's fine to live one's own life.  As Robert Frost says, isn't the path less traveled usually the best?

It's more than just that though.  I know that whatever I decide to do, I will be happy.  After all, it will be my decision, and I will live with the consequences of it.  But why must my decision, one that I'm making for myself, be met with disapproval from others?  Why can't others realize that I am not the same as them... that I'm a unique individual, different in body, mind, and spirit.

The hard part is, though, that I feel like something is missing.  I don't know what it is, but it's making me doubt myself and my own decision-making abilities.  And wonder if, perhaps, "they" are correct after all, if I should follow the "norm" because I will be happier, because I won't regret it, because it's the "right" thing to do.  It doesn't seem like it will be, but then why am I feeling discordant with myself?

Pensamientos

The thoughts running through my head are varied tonight.  Who am I?  What do I want out of life?  Why have I chosen to live this life I'm currently living, and why do I seem to lack the ability to change it?  Actually, let me rephrase that.  Not "lack the ability", for I could change my circumstances in an instant.  However, it would not be in the way that I'd like.  Instead, it's "lack the courage" or, better, "lack the ability to get my way".  Which seems entirely selfish.  It is, in fact.  But in this moment, more than ever, I wish I could control my life.  I wish it could be exactly as I can visualize it in my head.  I've done my wishing on falling stars, I've said all my prayers and crossed all my fingers.  This does not seem to be enough.

So life is not a fairy tale after all.  It deals with human beings, and therefore is filled with drama, emotions, manipulation, greed, and countless other issues.  Suddenly my fairy tale has fallen along the lines of the Grimm Brothers from that of Walt Disney.  So where does reality fit in the midst of this?  What can I do to actually influence my life, and create my own fairy tale instead?