Spring, and the Hope that Accompanies It

It's amazing to me the number of emotions a person can go through in a given day.  Forget a day... even in an hour!  It truly never fails to amaze me what emotional creatures we humans are.

This thought comes after a long morning of honestly not doing much.  I woke up, laid in bed for awhile trying to figure out the most productive use of my morning (Should I clean?  Should I cook?  Should I study?) when my gaze fell upon the book I had been reading the night before.  I know myself better than to get caught up reading since once I begin a good book I 1) can't put it down and 2) can't do anything else until it is finished.  I realized that I had read further than I thought last night and was nearly two-thirds done with the novel.  So I decided to finish it; after all, it'd be on my mind distracting me all day if I didn't.

Now I know that my last blog post was kind of about reawakening... how after a stretch of a semi-depressed state, I came to the realization that there was more to life out there.  But the truth is... that state didn't last.  I fell back into kind of going through the motions, trying to figure out life objectively, trying to find what would bring me happiness.  I wasn't feeling fulfilled, wasn't feeling at peace.  Something was off within me.

This morning I opened my curtain to see the tree planted right outside my window was blooming.  Beautiful white-flowered blossoms that prove spring has finally arrived.  I was shocked, as I'd never noticed the tree was blooming... it seemed like overnight is suddenly erupted in a blanket of flowers.  It is a beautiful sight, and one that brought me a slight bit of joy.  However, the feeling was only temporary, and I turned myself back to my book.

The book I'm reading is a Christian-fiction series.  Some of my friends will make fun of me for reading these and devouring them like I do, but I find that they remind me of things I lose within myself sometimes.  This morning, I awoke wondering what to do with myself, what activities would bring me peace and comfort.. would bring me happiness.  As I practically inhaled the words on the page, I suddenly found myself at the end of the book, and with tears in my eyes.

For the first time in a very very long time, I had God again in my heart.

Looking now at the tree blooming right outside my window, I see the hope that is offered as spring arrives.  The promise of better things to come.  New joys, new accomplishments, new life, new love.  I had forgotten how at peace I am with God in my heart first and foremost.  Honestly, I had felt a bit lost and neglected by God.  I have been suffering from a secret that very few people know - only those closest to me - yet it still suffocates me to this day and makes me wonder how my future will be.  Will anyone ever accept me the way I am?  Once they know the truth?  What can I do to make myself liked and loved by others?  What can I do to make myself happy and try to forget about or overcome this secret that is like a dark and evil shadow of which I can't rid myself?  But this morning, finishing my novel and seeing the blooming signs of spring, I know that God hasn't forgotten me... that I had forgotten Him.  I didn't feel worthy of His love anymore, or His grace.  The times I have felt happiest with my life and myself are when I'm close to God.  When I pray and can feel His presence with me, comforting me.  And when I accept the fact that He loves me as I am, dark shadow and all, and that He has a plan for me, one that will bring me happiness and joy and love.

So this morning, I thank God for the remembrance of the peace He brings me.  And I hope that I can keep this feeling forever.  I know how volatile human emotions are, so I don't doubt that there will be times in the very near future when I'm feeling differently, but I want this feeling of serenity to underlie it all, and to remind me that I am loved by the one who matters most of all.




(Aside:  Not all of my posts will be religious.  In fact, I was wondering if I should bring it up in my blogging or not, but today it is such a profound part of me that I felt as though I had no choice.  I imagine religious topics and references will come and go as I continue to blog and live my life, so for those of you whose opinions differ from mine, please just accept that this is me.  That I'm not asking you to change your lifestyle or beliefs, but accept me as I am.)

Silence

There's something about the silence at night that can calm oneself.  It leaves you alone with your thoughts, to contemplate your life.  And when you're feeling lonely and sad and exhausted with life, it forces you to think about how you're truly feeling.

Tonight I am feeling that way.  I'm feeling melancholic, perhaps slightly depressed, and just wondering if there's anyone or anything in the world out there to which I can look forward.

And then slowly it starts to change.  The sound of a car horn in the distance.  The whir of cars on the highway.  The clicking of the keys on the keyboard.  The vibration of a cell phone.  And the rustle of the breeze blowing through the window.  The silence is gone.  Suddenly you realize there is more in this world after all.

Hot Chocolate

There is nothing like a hot creamy mug of hot chocolate to cure the soul's afflictions.

And my soul is grieving at the moment, so I'm thankful for the small comfort my hot chocolate is providing me.

I am, for the third time in my life, dealing with the death of a family member, though the first two occurred while I was so young that I do not remember much about them.  Last night, on March 14th, my dearest grandmother passed away.  She was quite old, so my family had known her imminent passing was approaching, but it still seems so surreal to know that she is no longer on this earth.  That I can no longer visit her and make her smile.  That I can no longer share my life with her, including future joys that I'm sure are to come.

I'm going back and forth between shock, utter breakdown, and relief.  I'm in disbelief that she's actually gone.  There have been many times last night and this morning where I just find myself sobbing with tears streaming down my cheeks.  And then there are the times when I know that she is in a better place.  That now she is with God, and hopefully reunited with my grandfather who passed away nearly 20 years ago.  I know she'll be looking down on me and watching out for me.  I just hope that I can live up to being her granddaughter.

My grandma, like most, was a sweetheart.  She was the kind who would ask about your day and listen to you ramble on for hours as a child.  She was the kind who would slip a $5 or $10 bill into your pocket as you said goodbye.  She never failed to amaze me with the stories she would tell me about her life.  Her life is such an inspiration to me.  She lived her life without ever getting a parking ticket, and she'd always try to do good and make people happy.  She made the best blueberry muffins I've ever had and will ever have in my life.  She grew up teaching children in a one-room schoolhouse, and she supported her military husband entirely.

I only hope I can model at least part of myself after her.  A God-loving, law-abiding, happiness-inspiring person... that's who she was and that's the legacy I'd like to carry on in honor of her.  I hope I can treat my grandchildren with the love and inspiration that she did for me, my siblings, and my cousins.

I will miss you dearly, Mimi, and will love you always.  Until we meet again    <3

Productivity

Two days ago, I wrote describing all of the things I wanted to accomplish yesterday.  I can honestly tell you that I finished all of them and more, with the exception of reading at a coffeeshop.  Instead, I read at both a friend's and my own apartment, so work was at least completed.  

And let me just say, it feels incredible when you are actually productive!  I think the key is to start the day off on a good note, for then it seems to continue that way.  Or at least, when you do decide to let yourself relax, you feel you've earned it instead of constantly worrying about the things you still haven't checked off your To-Do List.

Let me just say though... I am no saint.  I still struggle with being as productive as I'd like to be on a daily basis.  I'm coming to learn, though, that it depends more on efficiency and how far I'm willing to push myself.  I stumbled upon this quote the other day:

"If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves" ~Thomas Edison

I honestly believe this to be true.  There are days when I think, "There is no possible way I can accomplish everything I want to," and yet, I find that if I approach it with the right motivation and determination, I can truly do anything I set my mind to and more.  The problem is maintaining this drive every day, especially when some days you just want to lay in bed, pull the covers over your head, and shut out the world around you.  

So how can I strive to have this motivation and efficiency every day?  This is my question.  And I think my answer comes with a single word:  balance.  Finding this balance, though, is something I will have to continually work at; after all, life never stands still.  As it is always changing, so will my balance point.  Perhaps, to aid me in finding balance, I should take lessons from a tight-rope walker...  ;)

The Ineptitude of Humans

It amazes me sometimes just how incapable I am at sticking to something I say I'm going to do.  For example, blogging.  I've always wanted to blog and find it a great way just to write thoughts that are going on in my head.  They don't need to be read by others, they just need to get out of me.  I decided a while ago (at the urging of my friends) to start a blog which, if you look at my previous posts, obviously was not a successful endeavor.

I'll attempt to start again but, let's face it, I can't promise or guarantee anything.  After all, I'm only human.  And I've found, especially recently, that humans are very good at not following through on the things they say they will do or even that they want to do.  Which is fine - it's entirely understandable.  We all do it.  I suppose the thing to do is either 1) not hold myself so accountable for failing at things I decide to do or 2) change myself.  I think my decision will be based on the situation.

Take tomorrow:  I want to wake up in the morning without an alarm clock, reflect on myself and my life, and be grateful for what I have been given.  Then I want to work-out for a good hour or so.  After that I want to clean - from my bedroom to the kitchen.  Scrubbing and vacuuming and dusting.  While doing this, I hope to practice singing and learn the lyrics for an upcoming Easter cantata.  Following that, I'm planning to spend a few hours reading at a local coffee shop.  Finally, I'll meet up with some friends to spend good quality time together for a few hours.   Oh, and I want to blog again.

... Let's see how much of this is actually accomplished.  This will be my experiment.  After all, this list is not too daunting and should be entirely plausible.  I'm just hoping that human trait called "laziness" does not kick in  and bite me in the butt!