Loneliness

I feel very lonely these days, yet I'm not alone.  I live with two other people, both of whom I can find comfort in if need be, but it is not enough.  I'm surrounded by countless coworkers with whom I get to spend my mornings and afternoons, yet it is not enough.  My family is a phone-call away, as are all my close friends, yet it still does not seem to be enough.  I'm not alone.  I'm lonely.

I feel like there's a confusion and an emptiness inside me that I can't fix.  Actually, I take that back.  I feel there's an emptiness inside me, and it confuses me because I don't know how to fix it.  I'm not sure what it is.  Is it that everyone is leaving, has left?  Is it that I myself will be leaving sometime?  I don't know.

I've always been one of those people who likes her alone time.  I can distract myself for hours upon hours with reading, guitar, dance, writing, meditating, exercising, whatever it might be.  But for the first time in a long time, I can recognize that I'm feeling lonely... that I want to be with someone who also wants to be with me.

Perhaps that's it: wanting to be with someone who wants to be with me.  These days those people just don't seem to be in the vicinity.  Everyone has their friends, their significant others, their groups.  It's hard to just jump into what others have.  I miss my old friends.  I miss my old boyfriends.  I miss having people around me that want to spend time with me.

"One is the loneliest number..." but so is fifty, or however many people I'm surrounded by.  Numbers give you company, but not necessarily comfort.