Being halfway across the world with a lot of time on your hands and nothing to do isn't everyone's idea of a good time. In fact, it normally wouldn't be my idea of a good time either, except it's exactly what I set out to do when I booked myself a flight to India this past summer.
I needed to get away.
I was searching for something I didn't have... and I didn't know what it was.
So now I'm here, and the search has begun. Except... it actually began before I left. With the help of certain people who are involved in my life in a big way (you know who you are), I've begun breaking myself down and re-evaluating who I am. This self-search is something I've needed to do for a while. I knew something wasn't right; I knew I wasn't living the life I wanted to live. I knew I wasn't truly happy. That's why I'm here now, in a small bedroom in India, surrounded by books, a notebook, a pen, and my laptop.
My search started with reading a book called "Sex God" written by Rob Bell. I was trying to figure out why I was never truly satisfied with my previous relationships, why I'd get myself into a few where I let myself be taken advantage of, why I'd hold on to all of them - literally all of them - and yet still bounce around onto something new. This book got me thinking about it all in a way I hadn't before. It talks about how, as humans, we search for connectedness.
So, in the midst of the search of myself, I found myself thinking about the search for connectedness. A search within a search.
Anyway, I realized as I was reading that this search for connection - a true, deep, meaningful connection in a relationship - is what had me bouncing around from relationship to relationship. More than that, the feeling that something was missing, that I wasn't good enough or something was off or I wasn't truly happy, kept me searching more and more.
Yet it also kept me attached.
That damn "What if..." question would bounce around in my head. What if things with this guy will change in the future? What if that guy one day will start realizing he really likes me and starts treating me differently? So I'd hold on... not just because I'm terrible at throwing away/letting go of anything (just take a look at my closet or my e-mail inbox), but also because I think a part of me was hoping something would change and that connection I was searching for would suddenly appear in one of my past relationships.
Which, frankly, is just silly. But I didn't realize that until I read this passage:
Rob Bell was talking about a slightly different "if," but in my state of mind - thinking about my past - this passage clicked. And, honestly, I don't think it would have if I wasn't in the "right place" and "right space" right now. If I didn't have someone who I feel so deeply connected with... I think I would have missed this passage. And I think my radar would still be turned on, and I'd still be searching, wondering "What if..."
I'm so exceedingly grateful to now know what it means to have that complete connectedness in a relationship. To know what it feels like. It is such a blissful, satisfied, all-encompassing feeling, it's no wonder I never felt it before.
My search of myself continues, but at least I know that my search for connectedness is in the past.
P.S. Please bear with me over the next many-ish posts. I have a feeling a lot will be centered around what I discover about myself, and that may include things that aren't pretty, things that are confusing, things that may not even be right. But it's what I need to do for myself at this moment, so - for whoever reads this blog (which isn't many people at all... maybe like 10 viewers total?!) - you're just going to have to deal with it.
I needed to get away.
I was searching for something I didn't have... and I didn't know what it was.
So now I'm here, and the search has begun. Except... it actually began before I left. With the help of certain people who are involved in my life in a big way (you know who you are), I've begun breaking myself down and re-evaluating who I am. This self-search is something I've needed to do for a while. I knew something wasn't right; I knew I wasn't living the life I wanted to live. I knew I wasn't truly happy. That's why I'm here now, in a small bedroom in India, surrounded by books, a notebook, a pen, and my laptop.
My search started with reading a book called "Sex God" written by Rob Bell. I was trying to figure out why I was never truly satisfied with my previous relationships, why I'd get myself into a few where I let myself be taken advantage of, why I'd hold on to all of them - literally all of them - and yet still bounce around onto something new. This book got me thinking about it all in a way I hadn't before. It talks about how, as humans, we search for connectedness.
So, in the midst of the search of myself, I found myself thinking about the search for connectedness. A search within a search.
Anyway, I realized as I was reading that this search for connection - a true, deep, meaningful connection in a relationship - is what had me bouncing around from relationship to relationship. More than that, the feeling that something was missing, that I wasn't good enough or something was off or I wasn't truly happy, kept me searching more and more.
Yet it also kept me attached.
That damn "What if..." question would bounce around in my head. What if things with this guy will change in the future? What if that guy one day will start realizing he really likes me and starts treating me differently? So I'd hold on... not just because I'm terrible at throwing away/letting go of anything (just take a look at my closet or my e-mail inbox), but also because I think a part of me was hoping something would change and that connection I was searching for would suddenly appear in one of my past relationships.
Which, frankly, is just silly. But I didn't realize that until I read this passage:
"The 'if' means we have become attached to the idea that we are missing something and that we can be satisfied by whatever it is we have in our sights. There's a hole, a space, a gap, and we're on the search. And we may not even realize it. When we are in the right place, the right space - content and at peace - we aren't on the search and our radar gets turned off."
Rob Bell was talking about a slightly different "if," but in my state of mind - thinking about my past - this passage clicked. And, honestly, I don't think it would have if I wasn't in the "right place" and "right space" right now. If I didn't have someone who I feel so deeply connected with... I think I would have missed this passage. And I think my radar would still be turned on, and I'd still be searching, wondering "What if..."
I'm so exceedingly grateful to now know what it means to have that complete connectedness in a relationship. To know what it feels like. It is such a blissful, satisfied, all-encompassing feeling, it's no wonder I never felt it before.
My search of myself continues, but at least I know that my search for connectedness is in the past.
P.S. Please bear with me over the next many-ish posts. I have a feeling a lot will be centered around what I discover about myself, and that may include things that aren't pretty, things that are confusing, things that may not even be right. But it's what I need to do for myself at this moment, so - for whoever reads this blog (which isn't many people at all... maybe like 10 viewers total?!) - you're just going to have to deal with it.
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