So, in the midst of a bunch of power outages, I've taken to journalling. No offense, Blogger, but journalling is just so much better for getting thoughts down. It requires a bit more time which means a bit more thought. And, for some reason, committing words to paper seems more permanent and more meaningful than onto a screen. Even though I know almost the opposite is true.
Anyway, I noticed some themes in my ramblings the other day, and thought I'd try to articulate them here. It may not work, and may not work well, but I'm going to try.
So the first thing I noticed was that, in my relationships with guys at the beginning, I fell for them for normal reasons. ("Fell" being a loose term, not a "falling in love" type term.) Then one came along and changed everything. I found myself searching... searching for the peace and joy he seemed to have. And so commenced my "exploration phase" where I tried to find that same happiness by exploring my sexuality with the next approximately 6 guys in my life over a period of about 2 years. Some situations were fine, many were not. In the many, I found myself acting differently than I knew myself to be. Trying to live up to what I thought they wanted. Changing myself and my personality. To try to draw attention, to try to keep attention. I would feel neglected and like the only way I could not feel neglected was to try to be someone I'm not.
Shouldn't that have been a sign that something was off and it was no good? Yes. Was I perceptive enough to realize that? Of course not.
So I kept searching and searching. Trying for happiness. Failing. Getting myself involved in situations I didn't like or appreciate, yet I stayed in them because I thought that if I did long enough, maybe something would change. Maybe happiness would come. After all, it had to be my fault, right? Others live this type of life and are very happy, so why wasn't I?
And then came one of the biggest mistakes I made of all of them. I thought that a "purely physical" relationship was what I needed since in previous "relationships" (if I can even call them that... I don't think I can) I never got any emotional satisfaction. In my head (and from the life I was trying to live to try to get that happiness I had seen once in another), I thought this was the solution. Or at least could be. No emotional connection means no emotional dissatisfaction, right? So might as well try.
Mistake. Big mistake.
The only good that came from it was that, by the end, I finally got it through my thick and stupid skull that sex is not a substitute for happiness. I think I need to repeat it just to get it through my stupid skull again and again. Sex is not a substitute for happiness. It cannot replace it. It does not lead to it. It does not cause it. No lasting happiness, no true genuine joy comes out of just the act.
So, six guys later, I started learning this important lesson. At that point, the next guy had come along. This is the one I feel the worst about. I was a bitch. I'll admit it readily now - I was a complete and utter bitch. I shouldn't have agreed to be in a relationship with him, shouldn't have agreed to even date him given how fucked up I was, yet I did for one conscious reason and one subconscious reason. First, the conscious one...
I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Yes, that's right. The philosophy that had taken me through my late teens and early twenties of "give everyone a chance" had gone way too far when I entered a relationship because I was afraid to say no and hurt his feelings. Which, I realized as I was rambling and writing in my journal, is exactly the reason why I had never let go of anyone from the past (until recently). I didn't want to hurt them. Didn't want them to think I didn't care. I was afraid to hurt feelings, afraid to have people mad at me. It's a terrible crutch and has gotten me in all sorts of trouble, though hopefully I can teach myself to outgrow this. (Topic for another time: my fear of people being angry at me.)
Anyway, I wouldn't let go because I didn't want to hurt people's feelings, didn't want them mad at me, and - unfortunately - some part of me still hoped that, with a small few of them, they would suddenly start to like me for the person I was, not the person I was acting like.
Which leads me to the second reason - the subconscious one - that I dated this poor guy I treated so horribly... I wanted a real, functioning relationship. I realize this now. I didn't at the time (hence, subconscious). I think after all the meaningless sexual situations and trying to be someone I'm not and times when I was not in a committed relationship because I just wanted to be liked however possible... my subconscious realized this wasn't it for me. That I wasn't being true to myself. So this nice guy comes along and I agreed to a relationship to not hurt his feelings, and I think too because I was tired of searching and trying to be someone different.
But. (Of course there's a "but"...) But I didn't really like him. And so I went back to my old habits of thinking that temporary fixes would cure it. That one of the guys from my past may really have liked me after all, despite the fact that he had a girlfriend (granted I did not know this until the end). And it was so totally and utterly wrong of me. I should not have been in that relationship. I should not have gone back to thinking that actions could suddenly cause happiness. I knew better. I knew better from the beginning of all of this, yet I was still searching and searching and searching for that "peace" that eluded me.
That peace did not come until I did find love. Until I found a stable, secure, spectacular, serenely amazing relationship. Maybe sex does lead to happiness for some. Maybe it replaces it. Maybe living a free, open, casual life as many of the guys from my past seemed to is what leads to happiness for them. But not for this girl.
For me, this is my true self. I have stopped searching because I don't want to anymore. I feel no need to in the slightest. I have more happiness inside me than I ever thought possible. Yes, it takes work. Yes, it's not always "perfect" in the way that "perfect relationships" are described. But, for me, it is it. It is what I was searching for when I always felt a lack of connectedness (see one of my previous posts for more on lack of connectedness). It is what I've waited for. It's what I should have been patient for, instead of trying so hard and exploring so much, all for naught but some not-so-good situations.
So, my "exploration phase" is done. Now I am in the midst of living what I'd like to call my "true phase"... true to myself, true to those around me, true to what I know to be right. May it continue forever, for it finally feels perfect.
Anyway, I noticed some themes in my ramblings the other day, and thought I'd try to articulate them here. It may not work, and may not work well, but I'm going to try.
So the first thing I noticed was that, in my relationships with guys at the beginning, I fell for them for normal reasons. ("Fell" being a loose term, not a "falling in love" type term.) Then one came along and changed everything. I found myself searching... searching for the peace and joy he seemed to have. And so commenced my "exploration phase" where I tried to find that same happiness by exploring my sexuality with the next approximately 6 guys in my life over a period of about 2 years. Some situations were fine, many were not. In the many, I found myself acting differently than I knew myself to be. Trying to live up to what I thought they wanted. Changing myself and my personality. To try to draw attention, to try to keep attention. I would feel neglected and like the only way I could not feel neglected was to try to be someone I'm not.
Shouldn't that have been a sign that something was off and it was no good? Yes. Was I perceptive enough to realize that? Of course not.
So I kept searching and searching. Trying for happiness. Failing. Getting myself involved in situations I didn't like or appreciate, yet I stayed in them because I thought that if I did long enough, maybe something would change. Maybe happiness would come. After all, it had to be my fault, right? Others live this type of life and are very happy, so why wasn't I?
And then came one of the biggest mistakes I made of all of them. I thought that a "purely physical" relationship was what I needed since in previous "relationships" (if I can even call them that... I don't think I can) I never got any emotional satisfaction. In my head (and from the life I was trying to live to try to get that happiness I had seen once in another), I thought this was the solution. Or at least could be. No emotional connection means no emotional dissatisfaction, right? So might as well try.
Mistake. Big mistake.
The only good that came from it was that, by the end, I finally got it through my thick and stupid skull that sex is not a substitute for happiness. I think I need to repeat it just to get it through my stupid skull again and again. Sex is not a substitute for happiness. It cannot replace it. It does not lead to it. It does not cause it. No lasting happiness, no true genuine joy comes out of just the act.
So, six guys later, I started learning this important lesson. At that point, the next guy had come along. This is the one I feel the worst about. I was a bitch. I'll admit it readily now - I was a complete and utter bitch. I shouldn't have agreed to be in a relationship with him, shouldn't have agreed to even date him given how fucked up I was, yet I did for one conscious reason and one subconscious reason. First, the conscious one...
I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Yes, that's right. The philosophy that had taken me through my late teens and early twenties of "give everyone a chance" had gone way too far when I entered a relationship because I was afraid to say no and hurt his feelings. Which, I realized as I was rambling and writing in my journal, is exactly the reason why I had never let go of anyone from the past (until recently). I didn't want to hurt them. Didn't want them to think I didn't care. I was afraid to hurt feelings, afraid to have people mad at me. It's a terrible crutch and has gotten me in all sorts of trouble, though hopefully I can teach myself to outgrow this. (Topic for another time: my fear of people being angry at me.)
Anyway, I wouldn't let go because I didn't want to hurt people's feelings, didn't want them mad at me, and - unfortunately - some part of me still hoped that, with a small few of them, they would suddenly start to like me for the person I was, not the person I was acting like.
Which leads me to the second reason - the subconscious one - that I dated this poor guy I treated so horribly... I wanted a real, functioning relationship. I realize this now. I didn't at the time (hence, subconscious). I think after all the meaningless sexual situations and trying to be someone I'm not and times when I was not in a committed relationship because I just wanted to be liked however possible... my subconscious realized this wasn't it for me. That I wasn't being true to myself. So this nice guy comes along and I agreed to a relationship to not hurt his feelings, and I think too because I was tired of searching and trying to be someone different.
But. (Of course there's a "but"...) But I didn't really like him. And so I went back to my old habits of thinking that temporary fixes would cure it. That one of the guys from my past may really have liked me after all, despite the fact that he had a girlfriend (granted I did not know this until the end). And it was so totally and utterly wrong of me. I should not have been in that relationship. I should not have gone back to thinking that actions could suddenly cause happiness. I knew better. I knew better from the beginning of all of this, yet I was still searching and searching and searching for that "peace" that eluded me.
That peace did not come until I did find love. Until I found a stable, secure, spectacular, serenely amazing relationship. Maybe sex does lead to happiness for some. Maybe it replaces it. Maybe living a free, open, casual life as many of the guys from my past seemed to is what leads to happiness for them. But not for this girl.
For me, this is my true self. I have stopped searching because I don't want to anymore. I feel no need to in the slightest. I have more happiness inside me than I ever thought possible. Yes, it takes work. Yes, it's not always "perfect" in the way that "perfect relationships" are described. But, for me, it is it. It is what I was searching for when I always felt a lack of connectedness (see one of my previous posts for more on lack of connectedness). It is what I've waited for. It's what I should have been patient for, instead of trying so hard and exploring so much, all for naught but some not-so-good situations.
So, my "exploration phase" is done. Now I am in the midst of living what I'd like to call my "true phase"... true to myself, true to those around me, true to what I know to be right. May it continue forever, for it finally feels perfect.
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