I awake on most Sunday mornings without my alarm clock - for who could possibly set an alarm on the weekend?! - to a large sigh and the thought: "It is Sunday." And while this, for most, is a calming feeling, for me it seems always to bring immediate anxiety. I'm not talking about panic-attack anxiety, more just a general underlying disquiet. After all, Sunday mornings are supposed to be peaceful. You're supposed to either sit around most of the morning in your pajamas or put on your nice clothes to sit in serene reflection in church.
Yet, for me, most Sunday mornings cause confusion. I want that peace that a Sundays, stereotypically, bring upon arising. I want to be able to lay in bed, thank God for everything he has given me, and just enjoy that moment of being awake and alive in a world such as this. But therein lies the problem: this world in which we live. Or at least, this world in which I live.
My thoughts, on Sunday morning, begin with "sigh - It is Sunday" and immediately jump to, "It's Sunday. Which means tomorrow is Monday. So what needs to be done first that I did not finish this past weekend?" How can I find peace with that?! With the immediate ordering of a To-Do list going on in the background of my head, I try to stay where I am - comfortably tucked under the covers, nice and warm in my bed, still half asleep - but my mind has begun the whirring. It's in the background, like the white noise of a TV when it's not all the way turned off (I despise that noise, by the way), but it's there as an annoying buzzing in my ear so that, try as I might, I cannot relax, I cannot be grateful, I cannot be in peace.
So to me, Sundays are a contradiction. They say (Who is this "they" anyway? I want to meet them) that Sundays should be a day of rest, but how can one rest in the world when there is so much to do, and so little time in which to do it? I feel like the change must come within me - that I must learn to close my mind to my To-Do list and my stresses, and just be. This is my goal. I know it will be hard work, for I'm a person who always has at least one more thing on her plate than she has the capacity to complete, but I feel like just 30 minutes to myself, to just exist and enjoy the moment, will be enormously rewarding. It doesn't need to be on Sunday mornings - in fact, I'd rather I could find this serenity at any moment - but Sunday mornings are when the lack of this peace are most apparent. After all, they say we're supposed to be productive each moment, work hard, and get things done, yet they also propose a day of rest. Contradictions prevent peace.
Yet, for me, most Sunday mornings cause confusion. I want that peace that a Sundays, stereotypically, bring upon arising. I want to be able to lay in bed, thank God for everything he has given me, and just enjoy that moment of being awake and alive in a world such as this. But therein lies the problem: this world in which we live. Or at least, this world in which I live.
My thoughts, on Sunday morning, begin with "sigh - It is Sunday" and immediately jump to, "It's Sunday. Which means tomorrow is Monday. So what needs to be done first that I did not finish this past weekend?" How can I find peace with that?! With the immediate ordering of a To-Do list going on in the background of my head, I try to stay where I am - comfortably tucked under the covers, nice and warm in my bed, still half asleep - but my mind has begun the whirring. It's in the background, like the white noise of a TV when it's not all the way turned off (I despise that noise, by the way), but it's there as an annoying buzzing in my ear so that, try as I might, I cannot relax, I cannot be grateful, I cannot be in peace.
So to me, Sundays are a contradiction. They say (Who is this "they" anyway? I want to meet them) that Sundays should be a day of rest, but how can one rest in the world when there is so much to do, and so little time in which to do it? I feel like the change must come within me - that I must learn to close my mind to my To-Do list and my stresses, and just be. This is my goal. I know it will be hard work, for I'm a person who always has at least one more thing on her plate than she has the capacity to complete, but I feel like just 30 minutes to myself, to just exist and enjoy the moment, will be enormously rewarding. It doesn't need to be on Sunday mornings - in fact, I'd rather I could find this serenity at any moment - but Sunday mornings are when the lack of this peace are most apparent. After all, they say we're supposed to be productive each moment, work hard, and get things done, yet they also propose a day of rest. Contradictions prevent peace.
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