My Current State

Michigan.

Okay, so I know that joke isn't as funny as I'd like it to be.  (Actually, a lot of jokes I tell/find hilarious really aren't that funny... you can ask any of my friends.)  So let me try again:

My current state...

Eyes drooping, head tilted, sitting.  Fingers poised over the keyboard for extended periods of time before inspiration comes as to what to write.  Long, deep, lung-filling breaths.

Mind whirring at a million miles a minute while simultaneously being slow... I know how to describe it: disjointed.  Thoughts that start but do not end.  Stimuli that register, but then are quickly ignored or forgotten.

I think I'd call this state exhaustion.  Which is truly a shame, because I'm hoping to leave tonight, driving as far east as I can.  This state, though, is most definitely the result of sleep deprivation, of stress, of a list of obligations and responsibilities that does not seem to end.

Perhaps I should start taking care of myself first, before becoming so overwhelmed.  Perhaps then I'll feel better.

Nearly Five Months Later...

Nearly five months later, I have decided to start posting to this blog again.  I miss it - this writing with abandon about anything and everything that crosses my mind.  It's stress-relieving, and Lord knows I need a lot of that these days.

For nearly five months, I've ignored this blog.  I didn't want the obligation of writing.  I didn't want to feel like I was being forced to jot down my thoughts.

For nearly five months, I was afraid.  I had always considered this blog the place in which I'd record my feelings whenever I was feeling depressed, worthless, confused, or just altogether down.  And I was fearful of acknowledging this within me.  I wanted to pretend that side of me didn't exist, to pretend that I was a perfectly happy and optimistic person.  I didn't want to give myself a reason to complain.

For nearly five months, I haven't been myself.  Or rather, I have.  Just not the "me" I want to be.  I've put on a front, a facade to the world and to myself, without fully accepting the person I truly am.

So now, nearly five months later, I've decided it's time to reconnect with myself.  To let my thoughts go, to write whatever the hell I feel like, when I feel like it, how I feel like it.  I warned you all (and simultaneously warned myself) that this would not be a consistent task - this one of "blog writing."  It turns out, I was right.  But I'd like to at least open up this portal of communication with myself and with society and with the world at large, as much as a blog is any of those things.

Mostly, though, I'm doing this for me.