Lost

I don't know what to do anymore.  I thought my life had direction and suddenly it's gone.  Not only that, but the stupidest little things are pushing me over the edge and making me highly emotional... it's driving me crazy so I'm sure it's also driving everyone I know and like crazy too.

We're supposed to have a path in life.  We're supposed to be working towards something.  Supposed to have big goals and dreams and every waking minute supposed to be striving towards those dreams, even if in the smallest way.

But mine are gone now.  Not gone, but maybe changed?  I can't even be certain - that's how cloudy it is.  They seem to be eluding me, taunting me.  They know I should be working towards them; they also know I can't find them.

When will my life have direction again?  When will I find my dreams once again?  I can't say but I hope it's soon, for right now they seem to be winning this game of life (or is it hide-and-seek?) while I sit here lost in tears and searching for a light.

Note to Heaven

Sally, help me.

I know I need to forgive and help him right now, and I want to for your sake.  For forgiveness' sake.  For life's sake.  But I feel like today I lost both of you.  I wish I had spent more time with you, wish I knew you more... more than anything.  But I know you're there guiding me.  I will try to help your son, try to forgive him.  It's what you would do for everyone.

I will not let your light die.

"You're Beautiful"

Today I feel compelled to write on a subject that is very dear to me.  A girl whom I love very much is currently going through a very tough time with food.  With a BMI of 15 (over twenty pounds below the "underweight" category for her height), she continually finds herself not hungry and terrified of gaining weight.  From those of you not familiar with the feeling, I can tell you from experience that this is predominant in anorexia nervosa.

I suffered from both anorexia and bulimia as a teen, so I feel a sense of responsibility in helping this girl overcome her obstacles with food.  However, I also know that it is no easy process, that she must want to get better herself, and that it is a disorder that may have lasting effects for the rest of her life.

What kills me most is that it can be prevented.  I know mine could have.  Instead of - as a girl turning into a woman - being told that I'd face this time where I'd suddenly gain weight and that I'd have to watch what I ate, I was told that I was absolutely beautiful and was going through a transformation that would make me even more so... this could have entirely changed my mental outlook  It is the mental attitude of young women (and men) that prompt them to start this destructive spiral, and it doesn't help that we live in a society which propagates that "thinness" = "attractiveness".

I know, as a child and growing older, that I wasn't told nearly often enough that I was beautiful.  Instead, I thought I was a very plain or even unattractive girl, leading to the low self-esteem that made me vulnerable to the temptations of both anorexia and bulimia.  But the truth of the matter is... I was beautiful.  I still am, despite putting on thirty pounds from my adolescent, anorexic state.  And we all are.  From this girl who means so much to me to the little girls and boys on the playground trying to be like their moms and dads and older siblings, acting all grown up... we're all beautiful.

So let's tell each other.  Tell your daughters, your sons, your brothers and sisters, your students, your teammates, you're coworkers.  "You're beautiful."  It's not that hard to say.   "Just the way you are.  Inside and out."

Those of us suffering from low self-esteem need to be told this often.  It's a cruel joke that we can't just be told "I love you" or "You look gorgeous" just once and be fine.  In fact, once a week isn't even enough!  It needs to be a constant reminder, a constant affirmation, that others truly think we're beautiful.  That we truly are loved.

If this becomes the message we tell our young... think of how different a world we will live in.  Think of the joy, hope, love that we'll all share.  Just by saying the truth.  Just by sharing one message:

"You're beautiful."

Just a Small Post

Going through these days wishing I would blog more, wishing I'd do a lot more daily, yet surprisingly happy with myself and my life.  I've reached a point, at least these days, that allows me to be satisfied with who I am as a person.  I know I may not be on the best terms with many people, but I am finally getting on good terms with myself, and that's an important first step.  I miss my friends - I miss a lot of people - but I'm getting by with my own company.  Finally.  xox

Loneliness

I feel very lonely these days, yet I'm not alone.  I live with two other people, both of whom I can find comfort in if need be, but it is not enough.  I'm surrounded by countless coworkers with whom I get to spend my mornings and afternoons, yet it is not enough.  My family is a phone-call away, as are all my close friends, yet it still does not seem to be enough.  I'm not alone.  I'm lonely.

I feel like there's a confusion and an emptiness inside me that I can't fix.  Actually, I take that back.  I feel there's an emptiness inside me, and it confuses me because I don't know how to fix it.  I'm not sure what it is.  Is it that everyone is leaving, has left?  Is it that I myself will be leaving sometime?  I don't know.

I've always been one of those people who likes her alone time.  I can distract myself for hours upon hours with reading, guitar, dance, writing, meditating, exercising, whatever it might be.  But for the first time in a long time, I can recognize that I'm feeling lonely... that I want to be with someone who also wants to be with me.

Perhaps that's it: wanting to be with someone who wants to be with me.  These days those people just don't seem to be in the vicinity.  Everyone has their friends, their significant others, their groups.  It's hard to just jump into what others have.  I miss my old friends.  I miss my old boyfriends.  I miss having people around me that want to spend time with me.

"One is the loneliest number..." but so is fifty, or however many people I'm surrounded by.  Numbers give you company, but not necessarily comfort.

Lyrics

I'm going to try to get into blogging again.  I know I say this all the time, so I'm questioning myself to see if it will stick.  For now, I just wanted to write some of my favorite lyrics of the moment:

"Do not let my fickle flesh go to waste
As it keeps my heart and soul in its place.
And I will love with urgency but not with haste."

~Mumford & Sons, 'Not With Haste'


"You forgave and I won't forget."

~Mumford & Sons, 'I Will Wait'



"When it comes to you,
Oh, the damage I could do.
It's always your favorite sins
That do you in."

~Kenny Chesney (feat. Grace Potter), 'You and Tequila'



"Well excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself."

~Jewel, 'Foolish Games'


"You used to lie so close to me.
There's nothin' more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love."

~P!nk (feat. Nate Ruess), 'Just Give Me A Reason'


"Slow down, you crazy child.
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while.
It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two.
When will you realize... Vienna waits for you."

~Billy Joel, 'Vienna'

This last song, 'Vienna' by Billy Joel, pretty much sums up my life and how I've been feeling for the past few months.  All of the lyrics fit me almost exactly these days, but the one above seems most applicable.

Perhaps that's why I've disappeared for a while...

Restarting Again

I want to start blogging again.  It's been far too long.

I came to the realization today, though, that I need to take more time for me.  Life gets so busy and filled with things that seem important but really are not.  Now, I'm not saying that spending more time on the computer/blogging is an exceedingly important thing to do with my time, but writing has always been therapeutic to me at least for getting out all my emotions so, this time, I'm hoping blogging will also be therapeutic.

So I want to restart again.  Which is entirely pleonastic - since "restart" itself means "to start again" - but as this is me restarting for the second (or is it third?!) time, it works.  So, all you talented writers out there, don't judge me.