Resolutions

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me... and I'm feeling good" ~Michael Buble

I'm attempting to start over.  Not entirely, but just about some things.  I was to live a calmer, happier, less stressful life, and feel I can do that if I set my mind to it.  So, instead of waiting for New Year's, I'm starting now.   =)

Insomnia on 20.11.2011

So I can't sleep.  Which is strange, because last night I only slept for 4 hours.  I suffered through today with my eyes bloodshot and half-closed, and with the help of much coffee and other forms of caffeine, I made it until 9:00, and finally decided it was an acceptable time to go to bed.  However, I found myself awake, thinking of nothing in particular, but unable to allow sleep to overtake me.   So I opted to get out of bed, light a candle, and try to get something done as these minutes and hours pass restless and sleepless.  I have yet to figure out what my trick should be to entice myself to sleep.  Perhaps I will meditate on that in the coming days.  In the meantime, though, I shall unpack from my trip, rearrange my room, and attempt to put my life in order.  

Exhaustion

Exhaustion is upon me now.  Droopy eyes.  Fatigued muscles.  My mind running in circles, and then running again in those same circles because it forgot where it left off.  Sleep would be ideal, but then again, no one falls asleep at 11:40 in the morning.  Caffeine?  It's a possibility.  But again, not very likely, as I feel instead I should just revel in this feeling of utter tiredness.  My head feeling heavy, my mind going blank.  It's a nice feeling, and an awful one simultaneously.  The lack of energy and enthusiasm for life is disconcerting, coming from an optimist.  Yet the stillness... the peace... the feeling like everything is stopping, or could stop if I want it to.  This is what is so incredible, and what only comes with complete exhaustion.

"Cold Turkey"

So in reference to my previous post, I did some digging.  It appears that the phrase "cold turkey" has a couple theories for its origin.

The most likely seems to be that in the 19th century, people in the United States used the phrase "talk turkey" when they'd speak of an unpleasant topic in a blunt and direct manner, which over time evolved into the more common definition of ending an unpleasant habit abruptly and entirely.

However, there is also reference to drug addicts and the fact that when they abruptly quit their habit, they break out in cold sweats and have goose bumps.  One would think, then, that it'd be called going "cold goose" instead of "cold turkey".

...I'm sticking to theory number 1.

Starting Over

It's so hard to start over.  I often have the desire to.  To just stop everything I once did that I don't like, and to start again with how I do want to live.  It's true especially with bad habits.  But it's nearly impossible to stop "cold turkey" as the expression goes. (Why is the expression "cold turkey"?  Are cold turkeys difficult to manage?)

But today I've resolved that, like this blog, I will just aim to make each and every day the way I want it to be.  I may not be successful, and may fall back into habits I don't exactly want to, but I'm going to strive to be the person I want to be the majority of the time.  Each day is a new day, and life is nothing but a process.  It continually changes and, with it, so do I.

So here's to "starting over", or, as I would like to call it, "continually changing"!

Unconditional Love

They say they love you.  You know they do.  But still... how much?  Will it last?  Will they truly love you forever?

I have lived things in my life that I've kept a secret.  To me they were personal, and did not need to be shared.  And I was afraid.  I was afraid that if they found out, they wouldn't love me anymore.  That they would treat me differently, with disdain and nonacceptance.

A part of this came from my own shame.  Here I was, a person who supposedly "knew better," who could rationalize and make the right decisions and stay out of trouble.  And I have, for the most part.  But I've also explored my personal life just a little bit more, and have experienced things I never thought I'd have to.  I was naive, to think "it won't happen to me."  I'm learning, slowly, with each passing day that life is not like that.  However, acceptance is coming slower, acceptance of my life and my mistakes and the consequences of my actions.

But what about them?  These people who have always been so close to me, who have always claimed I should be open and honest with them, that they would love me no matter what.  Would they truly, if they knew all my secrets?  If they knew what I could hardly accept in myself?

I doubted.  I doubted that they would be able to accept this new part of me, accept who I had become and am becoming with each passing day.  Heck, I don't even know who I'm becoming.  But at least I'm slowly accepting myself.  They, on the other hand... these people who love me and want to protect me... I doubted they would be supportive. That they would still love.

I was wrong.  Today I was shown for the second time in my life the true meaning of unconditional love.  They found out everything, and yet they love me still.  More than that, they provided support and open arms, without asking questions or placing impositions.  They didn't yell, they didn't scold.  They only loved.  And it shocked me.  Which then, of course, makes me feel guilty for not believing them when they'd told me all along that they would love me no matter what, and that I could come to them with anything I wanted to talk about.

I'm overwhelmed.  I was feeling so alone, but now I know I'm not.  I love them and they love me.  Unconditionally.

Molecules

I am nothing but a speck in this giant world we live in.  I am a pawn in the game of life.  I am merely another dot on the map, another tally on the census.

I am a molecule in this whole huge universe.  As such, I am as essential to it as each molecule is in my body.  Even though from a distance it may seem like I'm unimportant, as though I could just be a skin cell who will die off shortly, I also have a function in this universe that is necessary to at least those molecules around me.

I'm not sure yet what my function is in life.  Hopefully I will learn it eventually, but if I don't then I will also rest assured that the universe shall continue, and will plan and shape my life regardless.

I am essential.  And as a free-thinking, free-willed creature, I have the ability to influence my life and my decisions to be more essential to those around me.

I'm a speck.  I'm a molecule.  And I'm essential.

It's All Coming Back...

Everything I thought I was rid of seems to haunt me again.  The fear of not being good enough.  Of not being wanted.

Why is it that I seem to be so unhappy?  Why can't I, for once, love myself just the way I am?

A Crumbled World

What is happening to the world?  This place I once thought was full of nothing but green grass, playtime with friends, and loving adults.

It's gone.  It's transformed. Into a place where the debt crisis is argued day and night, where bombings occur in countries that cannot defend themselves, where the rich are corrupt and the poor are suffering.*   Where war is common, where innocent people are murdered for seemingly justified reasons but in reality, there is no justified reason to take an innocent life.

This place I once thought was caring and safe.  Where even my own life was filled with nothing but joy and love.  With ice cream cones and goodnight kisses.  It's gone.

People change.  Competition wins.  The desire to be on top, to be the best, to hold all the power.  And it affects the rest of us.  Those of us who solely want to be happy day-by-day.  To love.  To revel in the joy that comes when surrounded by friends and family.  We struggle.

Because the world has transformed.  Gone are the days when you love your neighbor as yourself.  Gone are the days when we rely on the spirit and meaning of teachings, and not on the words themselves.  Gone are the days when we enjoin justice and forbid evil.

It's hard to love in a world such as this.  To love all, even those committing these atrocities against humanity.  But love is what this world needs, desperately.  Love, and empathy, and compassion.

Why is it not seen that we are all human beings.  We live with the same motivations, fears, and joys.  We just handle them differently.  I am no exception; I am no saint.  I should love this world I'm living in, for everything it is, and try to spread joy and happiness to everyone I meet.

And, upon reflection, I do love this world.  Do I wish some things were different?  Yes.  But I also believe that we, as humankind, are learning each and every day how to handle this world we're living in.  It gives me hope.

I still can't help, though, but to mourn the days of blissful ignorance I was in as a child.  Where love and compassion surrounded you everywhere.  Those days of butterflies, ice-creams, and green grass.



*Aside:  I know these are extremes - that not all rich are corrupt - but it seems to be the common trend.

Insomnia

Insomnia sucks.  Let's just throw that out there.  I don't think I know a single person who says "Oh, I'm glad I can't fall asleep at a normal hour and that I'm kept up much later than I should be."

But it gets worse.  When you can't sleep because your head keeps going 'round and 'round, in a downward spiral, thoughts becoming darker and more depressed with each layer, that is when you know you're not getting to sleep that night.  Your brain has other plans for you.

Rather than peacefully resting and recovering from a long day, it decides to go over all the decisions you've ever made in your life.  All the events you've lived through, all the experiences you've had, all the situations you've lived in.  And it criticizes them, and tears them apart into little tiny shreds until all you are left with is the question "Why?"

"Why me?  Why now?  Why this?  Why am I living this life?  Why did it happen to me?"

Then into the "What's":  "What did I do to deserve this?  What is the point of everything?  What is the meaning of life?"

And suddenly your brain goes "Ha!  You're not sleeping tonight!" ... for these questions have no answers.

Or if they do, they don't come to you at that moment.  Rather, you lie there, or sit there, wherever you may be , and feel despair and hopelessness wash over you.  You let your mind try to explore these questions, but as it does you sink deeper, darker, farther into the black depths of your mind, where there is no light.  Its a sad place to be, and a scary place to be.  Trust me, I want to be optimistic right now.  But when it feels as though the world is crashing down at your feet, how can you sleep, let alone be happy?

And so you lie there.  Feeling numb.  Your eyes wide open, staring into space.  Your brain whirring at a million miles a minute, trying to solve your life problems.  But answers don't come.  They can't come in this place; they'd have to crawl out of too dark a hole.  So rather than move forward, you stop.  Time stops.  Life stops.

I strive to be a good person.  I always thought I was nice, kind, caring, sympathetic, generous.  So why did this all happen to me?  Where is the good?  Why must I go through this trial?  Will nothing work out in my favor?  Can I not shape my life to what I want, to bring me happiness?

I thought I could.  I know I can inside my own head (but - again - those black depths are preventing it at this moment), but in actuality?  Can I live the life I want to live?

The rest of the world seems to be saying no.  So where do I go from here?  Give up in defeat?  Try to fight back?

All I know is that the first thing I need to do is lift myself from this hole.  And then sleep.  Allow glorious sleep to overtake me and let my subconscious take over the thinking, feeling, and figuring out of life for once.  But how?

How to lift myself from the downward spiral of depression and despair?  This is the first question I must ask myself.

Actually, the first one is probably "Why am I in this downward spiral of depression and despair?"  For once I find the cause, I can tackle my response and reaction.  And then maybe tackle the much larger and more important question of: "What is the meaning of life?"

Though I fear that may take a lifetime to find out...

Birthdays

I am officially another year older.  Only in terms of a label, though; time-wise I'm simply about 36 hours older than I was before... not another whole year.

People always ask, "Do you feel older?  Do you feel different?"  To this, I answer "No" and "Yes."  No, I don't feel older.  To feel older physically is all in one's head, and I choose to feel just as young as I did yesterday, last month, last year.  In terms of feeling different, I suppose that physically I feel no different than I did before, but mentally I do.  It's not due to my birthday and being a whole year older.  It's not as though maturity suddenly hit me, or I awoke on the morning of my birthday to find myself a changed and grown person.  No, it's rather that each day I'm free to shape my life as I want to live it.  So in that respect, yes, I do feel different today than I did yesterday or the day before.  As Michael Bublé so clearly states it, "It's a new dawn.  It's a new day.  It's a new life.  For me.  And I'm feeling good."

So while each day is new and different for me, for some reason my birthday seems extra special.  It's as though I can begin my New Year's Resolutions all over again.  While I know I can start them any day, and not just on my birthday, there's something about that "official" changing of age that gives me the opportunity to evaluate my life and alter that which I want to, to make myself a better person in my eyes.  And, being 21, my first change is to cease thinking of my "bettering myself" attempts as things that must be done on New Year's, on my birthday, on a Monday, etc.  Each day, each minute, I have the option and the ability to shape my life and myself, and I will remember this from here on out.

I had a very happy birthday and am already having a happy day-after-my-birthday, and shall continue to do so in the days to come!

*My* Life

Why does it seem to be that one cannot live the life they want to live?  Why must I live by others' rules?  By the "norm"?

What if I don't want to do what's "normal"?  Surely it's fine to live one's own life.  As Robert Frost says, isn't the path less traveled usually the best?

It's more than just that though.  I know that whatever I decide to do, I will be happy.  After all, it will be my decision, and I will live with the consequences of it.  But why must my decision, one that I'm making for myself, be met with disapproval from others?  Why can't others realize that I am not the same as them... that I'm a unique individual, different in body, mind, and spirit.

The hard part is, though, that I feel like something is missing.  I don't know what it is, but it's making me doubt myself and my own decision-making abilities.  And wonder if, perhaps, "they" are correct after all, if I should follow the "norm" because I will be happier, because I won't regret it, because it's the "right" thing to do.  It doesn't seem like it will be, but then why am I feeling discordant with myself?

Pensamientos

The thoughts running through my head are varied tonight.  Who am I?  What do I want out of life?  Why have I chosen to live this life I'm currently living, and why do I seem to lack the ability to change it?  Actually, let me rephrase that.  Not "lack the ability", for I could change my circumstances in an instant.  However, it would not be in the way that I'd like.  Instead, it's "lack the courage" or, better, "lack the ability to get my way".  Which seems entirely selfish.  It is, in fact.  But in this moment, more than ever, I wish I could control my life.  I wish it could be exactly as I can visualize it in my head.  I've done my wishing on falling stars, I've said all my prayers and crossed all my fingers.  This does not seem to be enough.

So life is not a fairy tale after all.  It deals with human beings, and therefore is filled with drama, emotions, manipulation, greed, and countless other issues.  Suddenly my fairy tale has fallen along the lines of the Grimm Brothers from that of Walt Disney.  So where does reality fit in the midst of this?  What can I do to actually influence my life, and create my own fairy tale instead?

Decisions, Self Control, and Stubbornness

Three of the things weighing heavily on my mind tonight.  Although there's not much to consider.  It more just the weight it provides.  I want to be weightless and free!  I'm currently spring-cleaning my life in order to feel more this way!

The timing of everything sucks.  Why now?  Why is this something I must deal with?  I think it's a test.  The answer is clear, so that solves the decision portion.  The struggle will lie in my stubbornness (which I've always claimed to have but - let's face it - I'm a people pleaser and ultimately end up giving in.  Not this time though) and in my self control, for I almost think I'm more a danger to myself than the situation is to me.  Only I can determine if I carry through with my decision.  Only I can determine my actions and my will power.

God, give me strength!

Chocolat Chaud

Hot chocolate is one of the greatest inventions of the world.  It's perfect for stopping time and forcing you to truly enjoy it's rich flavor, while savoring the warmth it provides.  It calms you down, cheers you up, and ultimately is one of the most serene drinks in the world.

Tonight, I'm grateful to be luxuriating in the benefits of hot chocolate once again.  It had been a while, which makes my reunion with the beverage that much more enjoyable.  Further, when it's necessary - when you're using the drink for the peace it provides - it just becomes that much more delectable.

Hot chocolate shall forever have my appreciation and gratitude.

Sleep

Sleep is glorious.  You're body does so many remarkable things while you're asleep, and yet you never realize it.  Instead, you awaken feeling refreshed, at peace, and ready to start a new day.

I've been missing that feeling, though.  Sleep deprivation has taken its toll, and my body and mind are exhausted. Even picking up a bag feels like strenuous work!  Which is why now, three hours earlier than I have for the past six nights, I will be going to bed for an unspecified amount of time ... and without an annoying beeping to wake me up.

Good night, sweet dreams, and rest well!

Love

Love

Amor

L'amour

Amore

любовь

Liebe

愛

الحب

Liefde

αγάπη

愛

grá

عشق

אהבה

kärlek

Any way you say it, it is a magnificent, fascinating, precious part of life that should never be let out of sight.

I love you all

Tears

Crying is a most unusual and yet natural occurrence.  Tonight, however, it's unusual.

I feel as though I'm missing something.. some part of me that's eluding my mind, body, and spirit.  Nothing is wrong though; nothing negative or upsetting has happened.  And yet, tears come to my eyes, threatening to overspill as they hover on the brim of my eyelids, my eyelashes barely holding them in.  I feel cold, gray... no, not gray.  Just muted tones of colors.  I feel like I want to curl into the "child's pose," as the fetal position is called, and just try to find solace in myself.

I don't understand.  Life is good.  I know I am loved, I have a great family, I have amazing friends.  All the work I have to do is enjoyable and always gets done.  But there's more to it than that.  I feel I'm living in a world that doesn't agree with me.  I'm happy with who I am as a person, yet I feel as though those closest to me are standing on the other side of the Nile River.  I feel alone, despite being surrounded by many.  I feel as though I'm  being myself, yet those around me aren't satisfied with that.  It's not enough.  What I do isn't pleasing them.  I must change myself to appease those around me.  At least, it feels that way.  I haven't decided yet whether I will or not.  And I'm not just talking about them.  I'm talking about you as well.  And you too.

And so the tears come.  In a world where I'm loved by many, these tears show me otherwise.  There's something to that desire to crawl into the fetal position and find some sort of inner peace.  After all, that is the only way serenity will come and the crying will cease.  Tears are natural - they arise in many situations - but as they stream down my face and drip onto my arms, my chest, my legs, I know they represent something more.  

You

You're out there.  In the world without me.  Will we meet in the future?  Sometime soon?  I'm lonely.  I feel as though a part of me is empty, waiting to be filled.  I go through the motions of life... sometimes feeling, sometime not.  Today was a 'not.'

So when will I be with you?  When will I feel complete?  Some say to leave life to destiny, especially this thing we call love.  Others say to be proactive.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion; I need to make my own.  But instead, I'm here.  Waiting.  For you.

I'll know "you" when we meet.  You'll know me too.

What I'm Learning...

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
is just to love and be loved in return"

~Nat King Cole, "Nature Boy"


"Know thyself"

~Socrates


"Be happy in the moment - that's enough.
Each moment is all we need - not more"

~Mother Teresa


Each one has to find his peace from within.
And peace, to be real, must be unaffected by outside circumstances"

~Gandhi

Lo Que Quiero

What I want is serenity.  I want peace within myself and for the world.  I want to love everyone and everything around me, including myself.  I want to be able to live each day with joy, and love, and passion, and peace, as well as determination, hard work, and faith.  I don't want to be the same for the rest of my life.  I've realized that I will always be changing, but my desire is to consistently shape myself into a better person.  Not by the world's standards, but by my own.  I want to be one with God, to feel Him within me and to embody this presence in everything I do.

Yet I've also realized that this will not occur in one weekend.  This does not mean my weekend of solitude is finished.  But I've already started changing...  I'm not the person right now that I was a few months ago, or even yesterday.  And I will continue to change and to shape my life, my body, and my mind every day.

I also should not write about what I want, as if it's something in the future that I'm striving to obtain, as though it is a piece of clothing I want and am striving to obtain.  Rather, the aforementioned wishes are who I am now.  They are not entirely developed, but they are hidden inside me.  I can feel them, and desperately want them to take a permanent place in my life, yet they seem afraid.

I'm afraid of what the world will think.  Society.  That which has shaped the opinions and actions of many.  That which has caused war and suffering and guilt and fear.  How does one find him/herself in a world such as this?  It saddens me to think that as I'm slowly becoming more at peace with myself, and God, and the world, there are so many others who lack this realization.  But more than that, who won't accept it within me.  The world needs tolerance desperately, which is the first step to acceptance.  Each person needs to find themselves and know who they are, but also recognize that who they are is not who the rest of the world will be.  If society were this way, I would not fear becoming more at one with myself, instead of becoming more towards how society has/is shaping me.

However, I need to begin with me.  When I become Serenity, Love, Peace, Joy... then I will be able to handle the world in a better way.  So here's to the beginning!  And to what is to come.  =)

Lyrics

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, I won't try"


~Barlow Girl, "Mirror"




"Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you’ll never know me.
Every day, is as if I play a part.
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world,
But I can not fool
My heart.

I am now
In a world where I have to
Hide my heart
And what I believe in.
But somehow
I will show the world
What’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am.


Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that i’m
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There’s a heart that must
Be free to fly
That burns with a need
To know the reason why:
Why must we all conceal
What we think,
How we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I’m forced to hide?
I won’t pretend that i’m
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?"

~Christina Aguilera, "Reflection"

This weekend I'm taking time for me.  I need to figure out who I am, and how I want to live my life.  I feel like it's easy to get lost in a world where there are so many opinions and choices and influences, and I need to find myself in all of it.

Unpredictable Meteorology

1-3 inches of snow followed by an inch of freezing rain... no, wait... 4 inches of snow followed by sleet for 3 hours... oh, just kidding... snow starting at 4 p.m., continuing until 7 a.m. with mixed rain and sleet and hail... okay, so the snow started at 1:00 instead, and who knows what it will do from here?!

The variability in the weather, and in weather reports, is just as random and volatile as my emotions seem to be.  Yet, as the snow/rain/sleet is literally pouring from the sky, I can't help but feel a sense of calm.  It's so beautiful - to see the view outside your window that was once colored with green and brown and blue suddenly transformed into a crystal-white expanse against a pitch-black sky.  However, it's more than just the change in color; the mood that this type of weather brings is indescribable.  Amidst huge gusts of winds and torrential precipitation, there is a calm that one feels, to be indoors and surrounded by it all.

I want to learn from this weather.  And from the meteorologists who attempt to predict it.  I can see that while things - the weather conditions, events, people, emotions - can be capricious and uncontrollable, one can find a calmness amongst it all through centering themselves.  Regardless of the planning and predicting that I may attempt to use to structure my life and prevent anything unmanageable from occurring, it will not matter.  The weather will come when it wants to in any case, people will change, events will occur, my emotions will fluctuate.  All I can do is find my center, as I find it now with a blizzard raging around me.  And not only that, but to recognize that while what is going on around me and even within me is volatile, it can be beautiful as well.

For this is me, and it is my life, and it is what I've chosen to live.  

Reflection

"Look at me,
I will never pass for a perfect bride,
or a perfect daughter.
Can it be, I'm not meant to play this part.
Now I see,
That if I were truly to be myself, I would break my family's heart.

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight, back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide, who I am
though I've tried.
When will my reflection show who I am inside."


~Lea Salonga, "Reflection"

Where are you, Happiness?

This time in my life has thrown me.  It is not what I expected.  After all, I should be happy... ecstatic, even.  Yet the emotions that run through me are complex and varied:

Melancholy
Hurt
Exhaustion
Hope
Depression
Confusion
Camaraderie
Pain
Affection
Betrayal
Suffering

I suppose I mostly feel confused and conflicted.  I almost feel bipolar; there are times when I feel amazing and all is well with the world and I can find happiness, or at least see it at the end of the tunnel.  But lately it's also felt as though the tunnel is being stretched out, and that the lights illuminating the inside, on the path towards the end, are slowly being extinguished.

I'm not currently in a depressed state.  I suppose it's more analytical at the moment.  But just upon my own observations, and relative to the rest of my life until this point, this is what I notice.

What I'm missing, upon perusing this list, is peace.  I feel as though I must come to peace with myself and the world before I can truly find happiness.  Only with this acceptance and serenity will Happiness, who is currently eluding me, once more be intrinsically in my life.

To Quote "Gone With the Wind"...

I'm wallowing in self-pity tonight.  Which I normally hate to do.  After all, there is nothing productive that can come from self-pity: it prevents you from accomplishing that which you need to do, it feels shitty, you dislike yourself and nearly everyone around you, and it's just depressing and unmotivating in general.  But sometimes it's necessary to get through life.  And sometimes it can't be controlled.  And it will most likely end.

But for tonight, I am drowning in self-pity.  And "frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

On the Subject of Love

Love.  This is a topic to which I'm sure I will return time and time again, as it is too deep and complex to cover in one night.  But as I lay in bed, it is on my mind, and my thoughts are random and interweaving.

Does true love exist?  How does one find true love?  I believe it exists, but have no idea when it will be upon me, if it will take work to cultivate, or if it will hit me like a hurricane gust.  And is the person with whom I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life someone I know currently, someone I've been friends with for ages, or someone I'm just meeting or even have yet to meet?

Love, to me, is something precious and priceless.  However, is it something for which one needs to fight, or will destiny bring lovers together in the end?

And can one's heart be in more than one location, with more than one person?  To me, it feels like cheating; it feels unfair. I feel like I cannot fully give my heart to someone when there are other people in the world who hold a piece of it.  And I'm not sure if I even know what love is yet!  After all, I'm young and have not had ample time for love to flourish.  I have not had the experience of loving someone so much it hurts... or rather, loving someone I am with so much that it hurts when everything comes to an end.  I'd imagine it's beautiful - feeling so attached to a person that it feels as though your world is ending when they're gone.  Instead, I live with potentials, yet never fully allowing them to develop.

Why?  Why do I cut relationships off before I give them a chance?  Am I afraid to find love?  Am I holding out for "true love" to hit me?  Am I waiting for someone specific?  Or can love be found with any person, if only they're allowed the opportunity?

There are so many questions I have unanswered.  All I know is that stories like Romeo and Juliet and movies such as "Letters to Juliet" (which I just finished watching in case you're wondering what prompted this blog) move me and touch the romantic inside of me.  They reassure me that although life may not always be long or end the way we expect, there is true love in the world and that I will not let it go once I find it.  Yet, unless God is standing there with a flashing neon sign and an arrow saying "true love, true love," will I see it there in front of me?  Or let it pass me by, thinking that destiny will work itself out in the long run?  I suppose only time will tell...



Dear True Love,
I'm here.  Currently still sorting out life on my own.  But I believe in you. I know you're out there.  We will be together some day, of that I have no doubt.  Until then, take care of yourself.
Love from Simply Me

Sunday Mornings

I awake on most Sunday mornings without my alarm clock - for who could possibly set an alarm on the weekend?! - to a large sigh and the thought: "It is Sunday."  And while this, for most, is a calming feeling, for me it seems always to bring immediate anxiety.  I'm not talking about panic-attack anxiety, more just a general underlying disquiet.  After all, Sunday mornings are supposed to be peaceful.  You're supposed to either sit around  most of the morning in your pajamas or put on your nice clothes to sit in serene reflection in church.

Yet, for me, most Sunday mornings cause confusion.  I want that peace that a Sundays, stereotypically, bring upon arising.  I want to be able to lay in bed, thank God for everything he has given me, and just enjoy that moment of being awake and alive in a world such as this.  But therein lies the problem: this world in which we live.  Or at least, this world in which I live.

My thoughts, on Sunday morning, begin with "sigh -  It is Sunday" and immediately jump to, "It's Sunday.  Which means tomorrow is Monday.  So what needs to be done first that I did not finish this past weekend?"  How can I find peace with that?!  With the immediate ordering of a To-Do list going on in the background of my head, I try to stay where I am  - comfortably tucked under the covers, nice and warm in my bed, still half asleep - but my mind has begun the whirring.  It's in the background, like the white noise of a TV when it's not all the way turned off (I despise that noise, by the way), but it's there as an annoying buzzing in my ear so that, try as I might, I cannot relax, I cannot be grateful, I cannot be in peace.

So to me, Sundays are a contradiction.  They say (Who is this "they" anyway?  I want to meet them) that Sundays should be a day of rest, but how can one rest in the world when there is so much to do, and so little time in which to do it?  I feel like the change must come within me - that I must learn to close my mind to my To-Do list and my stresses, and just be.  This is my goal.  I know it will be hard work, for I'm a person who always has at least one more thing on her plate than she has the capacity to complete, but I feel like just 30 minutes to myself, to just exist and enjoy the moment, will be enormously rewarding.  It doesn't need to be on Sunday mornings - in fact, I'd rather I could find this serenity at any moment - but Sunday mornings are when the lack of this peace are most apparent.  After all, they say we're supposed to be productive each moment, work hard, and get things done, yet they also propose a day of rest.  Contradictions prevent peace.

And so it begins...

I feel as though the first entry to this blog should be something special, but it's not going to be.  After long debating even beginning a blog, I have decided that I want one.  The goal, I suppose, is to give me a place for myself... a place where I don't have to keep up appearances, maintain a reputation, or filter what I write, but rather where I can just be myself.  Simply me.  And so here it goes...

I'm sure it will be filled with observations and insights, rants and rationales, confusion and clarity.  I'm not quite sure in which direction I would like this blog to take, but I'm going to go one day at a time and let it lead me where it may.  Which, as I am the one posting to this blog, will be me leading myself to where I need to be.  Only time will tell.  I am making a promise to myself though, right now, that this will not be a point of stress for me.  Never will I blog because I feel obligated to, but only because I want to.  I want this to be a place of reflection for me, somewhere I can make reflections on life while at the same time reflecting who I am as a person.  I want it to be a place of peace, or at least a place from where peace can eventually be made.  For these reasons, I am anxious to begin.